A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber.
"That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Jai Maharashtra
4 Mumbaites - a Gujju, a Bhaiyya and a Bihari & Malayali died and were facing Yama. Yama asked them if they wanted some facilities & told Chitragupt decided on their accommodation.
The Gujju said : "Hey Yambhai, aa marathi loko toh mane shaanti thi jeeva nathi deta. Maari dukaan fodi naakhi. Aa marathi loko ekdum jungle chhe. Mane maari baaju maa marathi maanas nathi joto."
The UPite (Bhaiyya) said : "Theek kaha gujjubhai ne. Shriman Yam, in marathi logo ne to hamara jeena hi mushkil kar diya hai....eemaan se! Arre, meri dukaan ka board bhi kala kar diya. Kahat rahi ki dukaan ka naam marathi bhasha mein hona chaahiye. Ab ee bhi koi baat hui kya? Mujhe bhi mere baaju mein marathi aadmi nahi chaahiye."
The Bihari said : "Yeh dono sajjan aadmi theek kahat hain. Arre main thode din pehle railway ki pariksa dene mumbai gaya tha. Raam Lalla ki sougandh, in marathi logun ne humka bahut hi peeta. Hamaar haddi pasli ek kardi. Aisa junglee marathi humka hamaar saath naahi chaahiye."
The Malayali said: "aiiyoo humoko bhi marathi baaju main nahi mangta, bahto pareshaan karta hai yeh log. kuch kaam kerne ko nahi aata phir bhi hosiyari maarke kaheta hai ki tumko hamare mumbai se nikal dega.
Yama turns to Chitragupt : "Aayla Chitrya, ya saglyanchya files majhyakade gheun ye re!!! Baghto ekekala"
The Gujju said : "Hey Yambhai, aa marathi loko toh mane shaanti thi jeeva nathi deta. Maari dukaan fodi naakhi. Aa marathi loko ekdum jungle chhe. Mane maari baaju maa marathi maanas nathi joto."
The UPite (Bhaiyya) said : "Theek kaha gujjubhai ne. Shriman Yam, in marathi logo ne to hamara jeena hi mushkil kar diya hai....eemaan se! Arre, meri dukaan ka board bhi kala kar diya. Kahat rahi ki dukaan ka naam marathi bhasha mein hona chaahiye. Ab ee bhi koi baat hui kya? Mujhe bhi mere baaju mein marathi aadmi nahi chaahiye."
The Bihari said : "Yeh dono sajjan aadmi theek kahat hain. Arre main thode din pehle railway ki pariksa dene mumbai gaya tha. Raam Lalla ki sougandh, in marathi logun ne humka bahut hi peeta. Hamaar haddi pasli ek kardi. Aisa junglee marathi humka hamaar saath naahi chaahiye."
The Malayali said: "aiiyoo humoko bhi marathi baaju main nahi mangta, bahto pareshaan karta hai yeh log. kuch kaam kerne ko nahi aata phir bhi hosiyari maarke kaheta hai ki tumko hamare mumbai se nikal dega.
Yama turns to Chitragupt : "Aayla Chitrya, ya saglyanchya files majhyakade gheun ye re!!! Baghto ekekala"
The best computer teacher
Mother taught the IF ... THEN .... ELSE structure:
"If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes."
Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing:
"We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon."
Mother taught me about linked lists.
Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue.
Mother understood about parity errors.
When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair.
Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations.
Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to remind herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.
Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling tea kettle.
Mother understood about LIFO (Last In First Out) ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.
There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed processing.
As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors that can't be beat.
So, lets say... Mom, you're the best computer teacher I ever had.
"If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes."
Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing:
"We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon."
Mother taught me about linked lists.
Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue.
Mother understood about parity errors.
When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair.
Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations.
Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to remind herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.
Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling tea kettle.
Mother understood about LIFO (Last In First Out) ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.
There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed processing.
As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors that can't be beat.
So, lets say... Mom, you're the best computer teacher I ever had.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Keeping Women Happy
In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men: Make thewoman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do somethingshe dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points fordoing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
In the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a collegebuddy (-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is paintedthe colours of your favourite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggyHawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any otherresponse (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying whatlooks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
In the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a collegebuddy (-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is paintedthe colours of your favourite team (-10)
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggyHawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any otherresponse (-20)
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying whatlooks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
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