Thursday, March 31, 2005

Mein lafzoon mein kuch bhi izhar nahi karta

Arz kiya hai...

Mein lafzoon mein kuch bhi izhar nahi karta
Iska matlab ye nahi ke mein tujhe pyar nahi karta..

Chahta hoon mein tujhe ajj bhi magar
Teri sauch mein apna waqat bekar nahi karta..

Tamasha na ban jaye kahin mohabbat meri
Isliye apne dard ko namudaar nahi karta..

Jo kuch mila hai usi mein kush hoon mein
Tere liye Khuda se takrar nahi karta..

Per kuch to baat hai teri fitrat mein zalim
Warna mein tujhe chahnay ki khata bar bar na karta..

Per kuch to baat hai teri fitrat mein zalim
Warna mein tujhe chahnay ki khata bar bar na karta..

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Dating

Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together. They made a decision, one day to make it "yesterday once more". They made a date on the river bank they used to go when they were young.

The next day, Grandpa got up at 6 a.m. in the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come. But Grandpa ended up being disappointed as Grandma never showed up even after sunset.

Grandpa went home in such an anger. He opened the door and saw Grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned: "Why didn't you come to our date?!!"

Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly: "Mom didn't allow me to go..."

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Leroy

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier.
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all come running.'
An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop.
It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,
"But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names."

Monday, March 28, 2005

Good News India

Every man has a view of his land and his people. This is mine. Of India -- D V Sridharan

This is how the page begins and what follows is immensely engrossing….if u haven’t been to this page before it’s a must read. If u have been there then u already know.
Click here to read further.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

How to destroy the earth?

This is an interesting site which lists out the various ways in which Earth can be destroyed. Check out the link below.

How to destroy the earth?

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Double Bonus

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Delhi. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

India's first Digital Map Website

Here's India's first Digital Map Website. You can zoom into to any location (State/City/Area/Street).

http://mapmyindia.com/

Check it out.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Insurance Claim

Possibly the funniest story in a long while, this is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the American Insurance Journal. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.

Dear Sir:
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I was alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly more than 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form, that I weigh 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed down slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers on my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time,however,the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent,downthe side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report,however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel beginning its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your questions. ….

Rupees 150 a year...

I had an interesting human experience last week.

As I was leaving work on friday, around 11 pm in the night, I stopped at the nearest signal. It had been a tiring day and I was really lookingforward to the weekend. There was a slight drizzle in the air. Thetemperature was pleasant and cool. As I was waiting impatiently for the green light, someone tapped me on the shoulder.

It was a young boy, around 12-13 years of age. He had a blue plasticbucket in his hand and was smiling brightly. "Can you please drop me at the next signal sir?" he asked me in chennai tamil.
I am not one to offer a lift in general but this one was a kid. So I asked him to hop on. As we were driving towards the next signal, he spoke all of a sudden.

"Sir, I sell murukku in Velachery. I just finished the day's sales and now I am going back home to study...". I wondered why he told me that. But I was touched by the fact that he was going back to study.I liked his interest in studying.

I asked him, "Good. So, where is you house?". "T.Nagar".Pretty close to my place. So as I drove past the next signal I told him, "I will drop you there since I am going there as well". I saw him smile on the mirror. He said "Thanks".

I asked him, "So where do you study?".
"Corporation school sir". Hepaused. "Sir, can I ask you a favor?".

I thought this was another case where someone is going to ask me formoney. I hate it when that happens. I am paranoid enough to believe that anyone who asks you money in the name of a favor is not being honest. I like to help people not by giving them money but in kind.
I dont know why but I always have a suspicion about people who want only money. My kind hearted nature has been taken advantage of too many times for my comfort.

"My english teacher wants all of us to buy a workbook. But I dont have the money to buy it... Can you please buy me that book? It costs only 30rupees. I know a book store that I open at this time in the night."

I was touched. Even before I could blink, I said, "Yes" and we started driving towards the bookshop. On the way, I asked him, "So what do your parents do?".

"My dad lost his job last month. Since then he has been drinking all the time. Even when he doesnt drink, his friends tempt him into a drink.Whatever little he earns now, he spends it all drinking. I have two sisters, one in the first standard and the other in the third standard. He doesnt care about any of us. My mom works as a maid and earns some money during the day. She then makes murukku in the afternoon and given it to me when I some back from school. We manage to make some money by selling it".

"Do you get any time to study then?"
"Yes sir. I get up at 6 in the morning and get at least two hours tostudy. 8 o clock I go to school and some back at 3 pm. My mom keeps the murukku ready by that time. I take the bus to Velachery and sell iteveryday until 10 in the night. By the time I come back home its 11 oclock. So, I get one more hour to study until I go to sleep at 12."

I wasn't speaking.

"I also study well sir. I get 2nd or 3rd rank always. Because I studywell, my teachers like me a lot. This year I could not pay the school fees as we dont have the money. So I dont have the books or the uniform. But they dont complain because they know I study properly. I manage to borrow books and study."

Just as he said that, we were at the bookshop. Unfortunately the bookshop had just been closed. We went around the place looking for any other shops that could be open but all were closed. I could see the disappointment writ large on his face. I turned around and we were back on the way to his house.

I felt a tinge of disappointment myself. Both of us did not speak for a minute. Then, "How much is this year's fees for you?"
In a low tone, he said, "hundred and fifty rupees sir"

For a moment, it could not believe it. I did not know that all that it takes for a child to study for a whole year is a hundred and fifty bucks. I spend that money everytime I order a pizza. I tip waiters that much. The average drink in a swank pub costs that much, if not more. Have I ever thought even once before splurging that money on the tip or a pizza or a drink? How many of us know that the little amount of a hundred and fifty bucks can change a kid's life for a whole year, if not his whole life?

I was lost in my own thoughts. The kid wasn't speaking either. Maybe he was disappointed that he missed a good chance to get his book. We reached a spot close to his house and I decided to drop him there. As he got down, he said "thanks sir" and started walking. I pulled out my wallet, called him and gave him 500 bucks. He was hesitant when he saw the money but then smiled.

"Can I pay my school fees with this?" he said with a wide smile on his face. I said yes and before he could say a word, drove away. I was smiling from within.

Obedient Chicken...

Visit this website http://subservientchicken.com/

There's a video (no audio, so don't worry if you don'thave headphones) display showing a man dressed as achicken. Below it, there's a textbox where you just type any instructions to chicken and he will do it. For example you may ask the chiken to sit on the floor, or jump, or touch the wall etc. Try it and be creative while giving instructions.

At times the chicken may take a few seconds to respond…

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Safety Tips

This article seems to have originated in the US, but most of the tips are relevant every where. And though the target audience of this article is primarily women but its helpful for all of us. So go ahead read it and use it to your best advantage...

  1. The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!
  2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you.... chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet or purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
  3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
  4. Women have a tendency to get into their car after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their cheque book or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
  5. A Few Notes About Getting Into Your Car In a Parking Lot, or Parking Garage:
    A.) Be aware: look around you; look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat (and check out under the car as you approach).
    B.) If you’re parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
    C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.
    IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY (and better paranoid than dead !!!)
  6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairways are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).
  7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ, RUN!
  8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was agood-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
    Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her Whatever you do, DO NOT open thedoor."

    The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near awindow, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over.

    The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they heard baby cries outside their doors when they’re home alone at night.

Please pass this on! and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby. This message should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted when they profiled a serial killer in Louisiana.

Please share this with your friends. It may save a life!

Monday, March 14, 2005

Theory & Practice

Theory is when you know something, but it doesn't work.
Practice is when something works, but you don't know why.

Programmers combine theory and practice:
Nothing works and they don't know why!

The power of One...

One song can spark a moment,
One flower can wake the dream.
One tree can start a forest,
One bird can herald spring.

One smile begins a friendship,
One handclasp lifts a soul.
One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame the goal

One vote can change a nation,
One sunbeam lights a room
One candle wipes out darkness,
One laugh will conquer gloom.

One step must start each journey.
One word must start each prayer.
One hope will raise our spirits,
One touch can show you care.

One voice can speak with wisdom,
One heart can know what's true,
One life can make a difference,
You see, it's up to you!

Friday, March 11, 2005

Children...

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered,
"No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again, the small voice whispered,
"No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked the child,
"Is anybody else there?"
"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the firemen," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle
"Me."

Latest quote from the industry

A poor, uneducated man created billion dollar Reliance industry.
Two business graduates from Stanford and Wharton Business School are busy breaking it up.
That's education!!!!!!!!!

Why I Didn't Show Up For Work

I had twelve bottles of whisky in my cellar, and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each bottle down the sink or else. So I said I would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the drain with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank; pulled the bottle from the cork of the nextand drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle.

Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drank and drinked the pour. When I had every one emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, and glasses, and sinks with theother, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again and finally had all the houses in one bottle which I drank.

I was not under tho alcofluence of incohol, as some theople pink I was. I was not as thunk as you might drink. I felt so feelish, I didn't know who was me, and the drunker I stood thero the longer I got.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

What God will ask?

1...God won't ask what kind of car you drove;
He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.

2...God won't ask the square footage of your house,
He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

3...God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet,
He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.

4...God won't ask what your highest salary was,
He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

5...God won't ask what your job title was,
He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.

6...God won't ask how many friends you had,
He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

7...God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived,
He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.

8...God won't ask about the color of your skin,
He'll ask about the content of your character.

9...God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation,
He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Strategy

Grandmother was pretending to be lost in prayer, but her prayer-beads were spinning at top speed. That meant she was either excited or upset. Mother put the receiver down. "Some American girl in his office, she's coming to stay with us for a week." She sounded as if she had a deep foreboding. Father had no such doubt. He knew the worst was to come. He had been matching horoscopes for a year, but my brother Vivek had found a million excuses for not being able to visit India, call any of the chosen Iyer girls, or in any other way advance father's cause. Father always wore four parallel lines of sacred ash on his forehead. Now there were eight, so deep were the furrows of worry on his forehead. I sat in a corner, supposedly lost in a book, but furiously text-messaging my brother with a vivid description of the scene before me.

A few days later I stood outside the airport with father. He tried not to look directly at any American woman going past, and held up the card reading "Barbara". Finally a large woman stepped out, waved wildly and shouted "Hiiii! Mr. Aayyyezh, how ARE you?" Everyone turned and looked at us. Father shrank visibly before my eyes. Barbara took three long steps and covered father in a tight embrace. Father's jiggling out of it was too funny to watch. I could hear him whispering "Shiva shiva!". She shouted "you must be Vijaantee?" "Yes, Vyjayanthi" I said with a smile. I imagined little half-Indian children calling me "Vijaantee aunty!". Suddenly, my colorless existence in Madurai had perked up. For at least the next one week, life promised to be quite exciting.

Soon we were eating lunch at home. Barbara had changed into an even shorter skirt. The low neckline of her blouse was just in line with father's eyes. He was glaring at mother as if she had conjured up Barbara just to torture him. Barbara was asking "You only have vegetarian food? Always??" as if the idea was shocking to her. "You know what really goes well with Indian food, especially chicken? Indian beer!" she said with a pleasant smile, seemingly oblivious to the apoplexy of the gentleman in front of her, or the choking sounds coming from mother. I had to quickly duck under the table to hide my giggles.

Everyone tried to get the facts without asking the one question on all our minds: What was the exact nature of the relationship between Vivek and Barbara? She brought out a laptop computer. "I have some pictures of Vivek" she said. All of us crowded around her. The first picture was quite innocuous. Vivek was wearing shorts, and standing alone on the beach. In the next photo, he had Barbara draped all over him. She was wearing a skimpy bikini and leaning across, with her hand lovingly circling his neck. Father got up, and flicked the towel off his shoulder. It was a gesture we in the family had learned to fear. He literally ran to the door and went out. Barbara said "It must be hard for Mr. Aayyezh. He must be missing his son." We didn't have the heart to tell her that if said son had been within reach, father would have lovingly wrung his neck.

My parents and grandmother apparently had reached an unspoken agreement. They would deal with Vivek later. Right now Barbara was a foreigner, a lone woman, and needed to be treated as an honored guest. It must be said that Barbara didn't make that one bit easy. Soon mother wore a perpetual frown. Father looked as though he could use some of that famous Indian beer.

Vivek had said he would be in a conference in Guatemala all week, and would be off both phone and email. But Barbara had long lovey-dovey conversations with two other men, one man named Steve and another named Keith. The rest of us strained to hear every interesting word. "I miss you!" she said to both. She also kept talking with us about Vivek, and about the places they'd visited together. She had pictures to prove it, too. It was all very confusing.

This was the best play I'd watched in a long time. It was even better than the day my cousin ran away with a Telugu Christian girl. My aunt had come howling through the door, though I noticed that she made it to the plushest sofa before falling in a faint. Father said that if it had been his child, the door would have been forever shut in his face. Aunt promptly revived and said "You'll know when it is your child!" How my aunt would rejoice if she knew of Barbara!

On day five of her visit, the family awoke to the awful sound of Barbara's retching. The bathroom door was shut, the water was running, but far louder was the sound of Barbara crying and throwing up at the same time. Mother and grandmother exchanged ominous glances. Barbara came out, and her face was red. "I don't know why", she said, "I feel queasy in the mornings now." If she had seen as many Indian movies as I'd seen, she'd know why. Mother was standing as if turned to stone. Was she supposed to react with the compassion reserved for pregnant women?

With the criticism reserved for pregnant unmarried women? With the fear reserved for pregnant unmarried foreign women who could embroil one's son in a paternity suit? Mother, who navigated familiar flows of married life with the skill of a champion oarsman, now seemed completely taken off her moorings. She seemed to hope that if she didn't react it might all disappear like a bad dream.

I made a mental note to not leave home at all for the next week. Whatever my parents would say to Vivek when they finally got a-hold of him would be too interesting to miss. But they never got a chance. The day Barbara was to leave, we got a terse email from Vivek. "Sorry, still stuck in Guatemala. Just wanted to mention, another friend of mine, Sameera Sheikh, needs a place to stay. She'll fly in from Hyderabad tomorrow at 10am. Sorry for the trouble."

So there we were, father and I, with a board saying "Sameera". At last a pretty young woman in salwar-khameez saw the board, gave the smallest of smiles, and walked quietly towards us. When she did 'Namaste' to father, I thought I saw his eyes mist up. She took my hand in the friendliest way and said "Hello, Vyjayanthi, I've heard so much about you." I fell in love with her. In the car father was unusually friendly. She and Vivek had been in the same group of friends in Ohio University. She now worked as a Child Psychologist.

She didn't seem to be too bad at family psychology either. She took out a shawl for grandmother, a saree for mother and Hyderabadi bangles for me. "Just some small things. I have to meet a professor at Madurai university, and it's so nice of you to let me stay" she said. Everyone cheered up. Even grandmother smiled. At lunch she said "This is so nice. When I make sambar, it comes out like chole, and my chole tastes just like sambar". Mother was smiling. "Oh just watch for 2 days, you'll pick it up." Grandmother had never allowed a muslim to enter the kitchen. But mother seemed to have taken charge, and decided she would bring in who ever she felt was worthy. Sameera circumspectly stayed out of the puja room, but on the third day, I was stunned to see father inviting her in and telling her which idols had come to him from his father. "God is one" he said. Sameera nodded sagely.

By the fifth day, I could see the thought forming in the family's collective brains. If this fellow had to choose his own bride, why couldn't it be someone like Sameera? On the sixth day, when Vivek called from the airport saying he had cut short his Gautemala trip and was on his way home, all had a million things to discuss with him. He arrived by taxi at a time when Sameera had gone to the University. "So, how was Barbara's visit?" he asked blithely. "How do you know her?" mother asked sternly. "She's my secretary" he said. "She works very hard, and she'll do anything to help." He turned and winked at me. Oh, I got the plot now! By the time Sameera returned home that evening, it was almost as if her joining the family was the elders' idea. "Don't worry about anything", they said, "we'll talk with your parents."

On the wedding day a huge bouquet arrived from Barbara.
"Flight to India - $1500.
Indian kurta - $5.
Emetic to throw up - $1.
The look on your parents' faces - priceless" it said.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Why do talented employees leave companies?

The answer lies in one of the largest studies undertaken by the Gallup Organization. The study surveyed over a million employees and 80,000 managers and was published in a book called "First Break All The Rules". It came up with this surprising finding: If you're losing good people, look to their immediate supervisor. More than any other single reason, he is the reason people stay and thrive in an organization. And he's the reason why they quit, taking their knowledge, experience and contacts with them. Often, straight to the competition.

"People leave managers not companies", write the authors Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman. "So much money has been thrown at the challenge of keeping good people - in the form of better pay, better perks and better training - when, in the end, turnover is mostly manager issue."

If you have a turnover problem, look first to your managers. Are they driving people away? Beyond a point, an employee's primary need has less to do with money, and more to do with how he's treated and how valued he feels. Much of this depends directly on the immediate manager. And yet, bad bosses seem to happen to good people everywhere. A Fortune magazine survey some years ago found that nearly 75 per cent of employees have suffered at the hands of difficult superiors. You can leave one job to find - you guessed it, another wolf in a pin-stripe suit in the next one. Of all the workplace stressors, a bad boss is possibly the worst, directly impacting the emotional health and productivity of employees.

HR experts say that of all the abuses, employees find public humiliation the most intolerable. The first time, an employee may not leave, but a thought has been planted. The second time that thought gets strengthened. The third time, he starts looking for another job. When people cannot retort openly in anger, they do so by passive aggression. By digging their heels in and slowing down. By doing only what they are told to do and no more. By omitting to give the boss crucial information.

Dev says: "If you work for a jerk, you basically want to get him into trouble. You don't have your heart and soul in the job." Different managers can stress out employees in different ways - by being too controlling, too suspicious, too pushy, too critical, but they forget that workers are not fixed assets, they are free agents. When this goes on too long, an employee will quit - often over seemingly trivial issue. It isn't the 100th blow that knocks a good man down. It's the 99 that went before it.

And while it's true that people leave jobs for all kinds of reasons - for better opportunities or for circumstantial reasons, many who leave would have stayed - had it not been for one man constantly telling them, as Arun's boss did: "You are dispensable. I can find dozens like you." While it seems like there are plenty of other fish especially in today's waters, consider for a moment the cost of losing a talented employee. There's the cost of finding a replacement. The cost of training the replacement. The cost of not having someone to do the job in the meantime. The loss of clients and contacts the person had with the industry. The loss of morale in co-workers. The loss of trade secrets this person may now share with others. Plus, of course, the loss of the company's reputation. Every person who leaves a corporation then becomes its ambassador, for better or for worse.

We all know of large IT companies that people would love to join and large television companies few want to go near. In both cases, former employees have left to tell their tales. "Any company trying to compete must figure out a way to engage the mind of every employee, " Jack Welch of GE once said.......Much of a company's value lies "between the ears of its employees". If it's bleeding talent, it's bleeding value.

Unfortunately, many senior executives busy traveling the world, signing new deals and developing a vision for the company, have little idea of what may be going on at home. That deep within an organization that otherwise does all the right things, one man could be driving its best people away.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Toxic Thinking

I remember my dad teaching me the power of language at a very young age. Not only did my dad understand that specific words affect our mental pictures, but he understood words are a powerful programming factor in lifelong success.

One particularly interesting event occurred when I was eight. As a kid, I was always climbing trees, poles, and literally hanging around upside down from the rafters of our lake house. So, it came to no surprise for my dad to find me at the top of a 30-foot tree swinging back and forth. My little eight-year-old brain didn't realize the tree could break or I could get hurt. I just thought it was fun to be up so high.

My older cousin, Tammy, was also in the same tree. She was hanging on the first big limb, about ten feet below me. Tammy's mother also noticed us at the exact same time my dad did. About that time a huge gust of wind came over the tree. I could hear the leaves start to rattle and the tree begin to sway. I remember my dad's voice over the wind yell, "Bart, Hold on tightly." So I did. The next thing I know, I heard Tammy screaming at the top of her lungs, laying flat on the ground. She had fallen out of the tree.

I scampered down the tree to safety. My dad later told me why she fell and I did not. Apparently, Tammy's mother was not as an astute student of language as my father. When Tammy's mother felt the gust of wind, she yelled out, "Tammy, don't fall!" And Tammy did... fall.

My dad then explained to me that the mind has a very difficult time processing a negative image. In fact, people who rely on internal pictures cannot see a negative at all. In order for Tammy to process the command of not falling, her nine-year- old brain had to first imagine falling, then try to tell the brain not to do what it just imagined. Whereas, my eight-year-old brain instantly had an internal image of me hanging on tightly.

This is why people who try to stop smoking struggle with the ct of stopping smoking. They are running pictures all day of themselves smoking. Smokers are rarely taught to see themselves breathing fresh air and feeling great. The language itself becomes one barrier to success.

This concept is especially useful when you are attempting to break a habit or set a goal. You can't visualize not doing something. The only way to properly visualize not doing something is to actually find a word for what you want to do and visualize that. For example, when I was thirteen years old, I played for my junior high school football team. I tried so hard to be good, but I just couldn't get it together at that age. I remember hearing the words run through my head as I was running out for a pass, "Don't drop it!" Naturally, I dropped the ball.

My coaches were not skilled enough to teach us proper "self-talk." They just thought some kids could catch and others couldn't. I'll never make it pro, but I'm now a pretty good Sunday afternoon football player, because all my internal dialogue is positive and encourages me to win. I wish my dad had coached me playing football instead of just climbing trees. I might have had a longer football career.

Here is a very easy demonstration to teach your kids and your friends the power of a toxic vocabulary. Ask them to hold a pen or pencil. Hand it to them. Now, follow my instructions carefully. Say to them, "Okay, try to drop the pencil." Observe what they do.

Most people release their hands and watch the pencil hit the floor. You respond, "You weren't paying attention. I said TRY to drop the pencil. Now please do it again." Most people then pick up the pencil and pretend to be in excruciating pain while their hand tries but fails to drop the pencil.

The point is made.

If you tell your brain you will "give it a try," you are actually telling your brain to fail. I have a "no try" rule in my house and with everyone I interact with. Either people will do it or they won't. Either they will be at the party or they won't. I'm brutal when people attempt to lie to me by using the word try. Do they think I don't know they are really telegraphing to the world they have no intention of doing it but they want me to give them brownie points for pretended effort? You will never hear the words "I'll try" come out of my mouth unless I'm teaching this concept in a seminar.

If you "try" and do something, your unconscious mind has permission not to succeed. If I truly can't make a decision I will tell the truth. "Sorry John. I'm not sure if I will be at your party or not. I've got an outstanding commitment. If that falls through, I will be here. Otherwise, I will not. Thanks for the invite."

People respect honesty. So remove the word "try" from your vocabulary.

My dad also told me that psychologists claim it takes seventeen positive statements to offset one negative statement. I have no idea if it is true, but the logic holds true. It might take up to seventeen compliments to offset the emotional damage of one harsh criticism.

These are concepts that are especially useful when raising children.

Ask yourself how many compliments you give yourself daily versus how many criticisms. Heck, I know you are talking to yourself all day long. We all have internal voices that give us direction.

So, are you giving yourself the 17:1 ratio or are you shortchanging yourself with toxic self-talk like, "I suck. I'm fat. Nobody will like me. I'll try this diet. I'm not good enough. I'm so stupid. I'm broke, etc. etc."

If our parents can set a lifetime of programming with one wrong statement, imagine the kind of programming you are doing on a daily basis with your own internal dialogue. Here is a list of Toxic Vocabulary words.

Notice when you or other people use them.

  • But
  • Try
  • If
  • Might
  • Would Have
  • Should Have
  • Could Have
  • Can't
  • Don't

But : negates any words that are stated before it.
If : presupposes that you may not.
Would have : Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen.
Should have : Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen (and implies guilt.)
Could have : Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen but the person tries to take credit as if it did happen.
Try : Presupposes failure.
Might : It does nothing definite. It leaves options for your listener.
Can't / Don't : These words force the listener to focus on exactly the opposite of what you want.

This is a classic mistake that parents and coaches make without knowing the damage of this linguistic error.

Examples:
Toxic phrase:
"Don't drop the ball!"
Likely result: Drops the ball
Better language: "Catch the ball!"

Toxic phrase: "You shouldn't watch so much television."
Likely result: Watches more television.
Better language: "I read too much television makes people stupid. You might find yourself turning that TV off and picking up one of those books more often!"

Exercise: Take a moment to write down all the phrases you use on a daily basis or any Toxic self-talk that you have noticed yourself using. Write these phrases down so you will begin to catch yourself as they occur and change them.

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